It's been a long time since I last updated an entry. I miss writing here, maybe because, compared to the other ones that I update, this one's really my “sacred space”, my cyberhome, if you will. A place that actually has a slice of my life, and just a mere combination of the most random of things. Well, maybe this blog can get random, but I do try and get a few points across most of the time, and that's what matters in the end, right? Anyway, it's hard not being able to write here for a long time. I don't know where to begin. You know the feeling of losing touch with a close friend and then meeting them again, and you're not quite sure how to approach that person? It pretty much what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm back to Square One, and I have to learn all over again how to get back on track here.
Anyway, some life updates. I'm still working in the same company that I was part of since November 2006. It's pretty fun. Some of the people who know me say that it's just “so me” to be part of something like this, but for me, it's just where the Lord wants me to be in right now, so I'll be here until He says so (and no, I still won't go and spell out the company name or the specific project I'm working on. Again, I don't want to be mauled alive by fangirls (and if ever, fanboys, but perish the thought).
I'm mixing work and school these days. I'm taking up my Masters in Psychology, particularly Counseling. It's a bit of a struggle, because my undergrad course was different from that one, and the professors seem to take it for granted that all their students have a Psychology background (which is understandable. Why would a non-Psychology major take it up for further studies anyway?) It's not the easiest thing in the world, so I really have to rely on God.
In terms of personal stuff, I guess a lot has happened these past months. It's really funny, because I think I've changed a lot since 2005, my turning-point year. Various factors caused this, and I'm not quite sure what to make of that. I mean, I'm the kind of person who would actually fight so as not to be able to lose a part of her personality, but then I find myself changing (and practically without my knowledge!) I'm still the same Lani, but there are some things that are, well, different. Again, I don't know for sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, honestly. Sure, some, I can appreciate, like having greater patience now, but for others, I'm not quite sure yet. It's too complicated and revealing (hey, just because I have this blog doesn't mean I have to spill out my guts here) to explain everything here, but it just seems that I've changed greatly in just about every aspect. Surface level, I'm still pretty much the same: bubbly, chirpy, and giggly – pretty much traits of a five-year old kid. Inside though, I'm becoming even more introverted (as if I wasn't , already. Those who say I'm extroverted definitely don't know me well enough). It's really strange, because it seems at times I'm fighting with myself, not in a psychotic way, but more in terms of attitude. I've been focused about my situation a lot of times the past months that I feel as though I'm being assimilated without knowing it. Or maybe I've been thinking about specific things so much that I failed to notice how much I'm getting affected by these. I don't know... I used to be comforted by the fact that I know who I am as a person, but I don't think I can say the same thing right now. Sure, I know what I'm standing up for, I know my principles, my belief, and my faith, but knowing how to approach these is a different thing. I guess I need some time to self-reflect, something I haven't done for a while.
One person I admire once wrote something, and I'd like to share what he stated. He mentions a devotional he's had some time, and he said that he was surprised that the message of God was something like He'd be sending rains of fire and lightning bolts to the sinful nation, and he'll be cutting the sinners off from their inheritance. Now, the writer goes and says that people who read that, and he counts himself as one of them, would probably be scared and immediately start reevaluating their lives on what part of their life they should change – or else. I'm sharing this because I've been feeling the same way, and getting the same messages (in terms of meaning, anyway). Suffice to say that I definitely don't want to be cut off from God. Getting to know Him from the very beginning has had a huge effect in my life, I don't even know where to begin how He's touched mine. Nothing could compare to that. I don't want to throw that away. I don't want to lose Him. He's the only sure thing I have in my life, and I'd be a fool if I were to let go of that. Lately, though, I've been thinking as the world does. I don't know when it began. I probably wouldn't be able to identify the exact same time that I started, because that's the way sin works. It starts with the seemingly little things, you know, compromising your Quiet Time because you just “have” to finish a task at hand. Pretty soon, it becomes much bigger than that, but you don't realize that it's already a huge thing because you started so small. I'm just thankful that the Lord woke me up before things got too far, because I was starting to turn to the world in more than just one aspect of my life. It's hard stuff, because in a way, I actually did want to succumb to that call, because I actually did want the things that were offered. Then the Lord gives me a heads-up, saying in no uncertain terms that if I didn't clean up my act, I'd be cutting Him off my life. That's harsh, but it's true. This is the first time that I actually could relate to what Paul was saying in Romans, about doing things even if he didn't want to. The ones who are rewarded are the ones who have persevered in the race, who never let up in their battle. It's not the ones who had a great start and then stopped to chat with the waterboys by the tree and enjoyed the shade so much that they just stayed there, never paying attention to the fact that they gave up on something that they actually trained for and aspired for a long time.
I guess I'm writing this entry for many reasons: to revive my blog, to mark my 21st birthday (hey, in some countries, this is the legal age, so I guess this marks a new beginning for me too), to give an update on what's going on with me, but most especially, to help me get back on track, especially since I don't have a handwritten one as of yet. In a way, I'm accountable to this blog, because it's a way for me to keep track of how I'm growing in faith and of what the Lord has been telling me. I guess that's a commitment that I'll try to keep this year: to update this, and not with silly online quizzes or random things. I want to write about things that matter. I don't know if it will help people, but I do know that it's a way for me to counsel myself.
Lord help me.
