Blessed Week

This has been a week of knowledge, discovery, and growth for me. There were just so many things that have happened, and I’d like to go and talk about the main things that really struck me. A word of warning though: this entry is quite long (divided into subsections even). If you want to read all of it, do so. If not, fine. I’m not going to perish if you don’t anyway.:p

The Best Things in Life are Free
It’s amazing how we take simple things for granted, and only realize their value once these are taken away from us. For starters, I’ve only recently appreciated the beauty of sleep (read: beauty of sleep. Just so we can get that clear). I was one of those kids who would only pretend to sleep during siesta time, and then run out of the room and watch TV when the parents leave. Looking back, I wish I slept as much as I can when I was younger, not only because it raises the interesting possibility of actually growing a few inches taller, but also because at least I could say there was a time when I had as much sleep as much as I wanted to – something that I could definitely not say now, given my consistent sleep-deprived condition. Whereas before that I would practically run away at the possibility of sleeping, now, I would give just about anything for an opportunity to sleep. Naptime for me now is one of the most brilliant ideas humankind has ever formulated.

Another thing that I have taken for granted and only recently came to appreciate is the value of family. It’s not that I don’t love them or anything. It’s just that I don’t really spend a lot of time with them. I keep to myself in the house, always staying in my room and only occasionally going down to chat with the people. If someone looked for me, it would be really easy to find me when I’m at home because I can almost always be found in my room, studying, reading, or just messing with my computer (as I’m doing now). I didn’t know just how much I’ve taken their presence for granted until last week, when almost all of them, including the extended family (my uncles, aunt, and cousins), left last week to go on vacation in the Visayas. That was actually the first time that I was left alone (well, not completely, but those who were left weren’t related to me!) for a long period of time, and I can honestly say that I totally did not like the feeling. It was really depressing not to have someone with you that my schoolwork also went down, with the result that I had one of the most horrible weeks in my life. When they came back on Monday, it was all that I could do to throw a party. Honestly.

Both experiences made me think of the greatest freebie we received that we have always taken for granted, and that is Jesus’ sacrifice that brought us our salvation. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life.” Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from you; it is a gift of God.” God gave us freedom from sin on His own accord. We didn’t work for it, and we certainly don’t deserve it. Yet He still gave it to us. We can never pay Him back for His sacrifice, not even in a million years, no matter how much good works we do. And you know what? He’s not looking for sacrifices, for us to pay Him back for His sacrifice. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be grace, would it? What He is calling us, however, is to love Him. We do good not because it is a duty, but because we love Him. “God-fearing” doesn’t mean that we are constantly petrified of being smitten by lightning for the wrong deeds we have done. It means that we love Him so much that we would not do anything to hurt Him. It’s Otto’s mysterium tremendum fascinosum. Think about it for a minute: would you deliberately go out of your way to hurt your best friend or parent? Didn’t think so. It’s not so much as paying it back, but paying it forward.

See-Saw of Emotions
To elaborate the story I told earlier, last week was a complete disaster for me, especially in terms of academics. Just when I thought I couldn’t be lower because I was practically all alone, I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of reproaches from my professors, among other fiascos. I’d really rather not go into details, but suffice to say that by Friday, I was thisclose to quitting. I had half a mind not to go back to school the following week (although I eventually did anyway). God was so good, because this week has been good. I was again called for recitation, but this time for a different class from those I’ve fouled up in. Praise God my recitation wasn’t horrible – it was actually pretty ok. I am now forever grateful to one of my blockmates for giving me medicine to calm my nerves (yes, the medicine is legit, not one of those illegal ones). One of the reasons why I have horrible recitation experiences is because my nerves are always high-strung. I study the materials and everything, but when I get called to explain these, all thought suddenly flies out the window. As I’ve mentioned in a previous entry, I liken my recitation experience as that of a cat about to be turned into roadkill by an incoming car – instead of running away at the sight of headlights, it instead freezes on its spot until it gets squished. Anyway, back to the point. This week made me so happy that I’m willing again to continue again – or at least, to see the whole semester through, and then decide whether to proceed or not after that period. In effect, my professional future is dependent on my feelings. If I feel like continuing, fine. If not, au revoir law school, bonjour graduate school!

This way of thinking made me have another realization: just how much of my life is dependent on emotions, including, sadly, my faith. There came a point in my life (I think this was a year or two ago) when I’d go, “I really don’t feel like praying. I’ll do it tomorrow. God will still be there anyway. He’ll understand.” The following day, I’d do the same thing. This kept on continuing for three months, I think. I’d still go and say breath prayers throughout the day, but I didn’t take the time to read my Bible and to have an actual prayer time with Him. I didn’t even go and just tell Him how life is going, thank Him for His blessings, and everything else. By the end of it, I felt like I didn’t know God anymore, because I didn’t maintain my relationship with Him. What used to be a very close relationship turned into a mere façade of it. I would go and mouth “I love God,” but deep inside, I felt condemned because I stopped listening to Him. All of these happened because of what? Because I didn’t feel like it. I was the one who said that, but even for me, that was just the lamest excuse I have ever heard, along with “my dog ate my homework.” I wonder what would happen when, as Jesus was being arrested by the soldiers, He suddenly thought, “Hmmm… I don’t feel like saving their souls right now. They hate Me and My Father anyway, so why do it all? Maybe next time,” and then He suddenly vanishes, and never comes back again. What happens to us then? We’ll end up being in hell, “the lake that burns fire and sulfur” (Rev 21:8).
I’m not saying emotions are bad. Far from it. What I am saying, however, is that we shouldn’t rely solely on our emotions to base our decisions on, because these aren’t all that reliable to begin with. Our feelings change daily, if not hourly, and we would choose based on that? I hope not, especially when it comes to our relationship with God. For those who studied in the same university as I did to get a degree, you guys know that by the time we reach third year in college, we’d know that love is not a feeling but a decision. The same is true for faith. We actively choose to follow God, regardless of our emotions. We may come to a point when we’re “spiritually dry,” but instead of allowing ourselves to go and distance ourselves from Him at this time, it is in this circumstance that we need to trust Him more, because these situations might lead us to fall into temptation.

Another point about emotions I would like to make is something I learned in Bible study this week, a lesson on how to survive heartbreaks. Now, when that situation usually comes in, people would automatically assume that it’s about romantic relationships. Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s not what I’m going to talk about, because I honestly could say that I’ve never had to go through that. Going back to the point (I am so full of digressions today), romantic relationships aren’t the only source of heartbreak, and some of those other things, I’ve gone through, and these are definitely situations that I don’t relish being in. Yet the Lord assures us that He is with us in these difficult times. Psalm 34:18b promises, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” Another verse in Psalms says, “Why are you downcast, my soul? Hope in the Lord Your God.” He has promised us comfort when we are downtrodden, He has promised us compassion when we feel alone. Hence, even when we feel alone, burned-out, or just plain depressed, we can always be assured that He is with us and will comfort us when we turn to Him, a promise echoed in James 4:8a, “Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

Anyhow, this is where I’ll end. This has been such a blessed week, and I thank God for it.

Green Hamsters and Red Ducks

Not a Dr. Seuss book.:p For those who can understand this... :D

Decision-Making Difficulties

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life recently, particularly this week when practically all members of our family (both immediate and extended – maternal) have gone on vacation and I was left behind because I still go to school. It’s interesting what a few days of being alone (not completely anyway) did to me, particularly since I have had one of the worst weeks academically in my entire life (but that’s a different story). One of the biggest things I’ve been thinking about is choice – not it as a vague concept, but the specific options that I am faced with right now. I’ve talked about own decision making in one of my previous entries, how all of us have both the right and duty to make our own choices for ourselves. What I did not say is the sheer difficulty of actually making these. Granted, not all decisions are hard to make, like what pair of shoes to buy over the other. It is when we are faced with choices that could change our lives forever that when the difficulty arises.
One of the reasons for this difficulty is the simple fact that other people and not only you are involved in it. No, I’m not doing a complete about-face from my previous entry. What I’m saying is that the decisions we make affect other people as well, and I’m talking about this in the literal sense and not only in the philosophical aspect of it. That’s why when we are faced with huge decisions, we have to discern really well on the possible consequences of our choice, because it’s not only for ourselves who will be affected by it – the whole balance of the world is depending on us to make the right choice. Well, maybe not to that extent, but we should always remember that the outcome of our decisions affect others as well.
Another reason for this difficulty is when you idea what you will face if and when you make a certain decision. I’m the type of person who want to know just what exactly I’m getting myself into; I’d rather not go in blind in a situation if I don’t have to, especially if it entails long-term commitment, or just commitment in general. For me, once you enter into one, you’re in it forever, unless you have a very good reason for chickening out, because quitting in the middle of things is done in very bad taste. Yet, what if backing out is actually the best option? That’s another sticky situation that I’d prefer not to think about right now, as I’ve got a lot on my plate already. What I’m saying is that it’s good to know all of your options and what exactly you’re getting into before you actually take the plunge. I can’t just go in (or out of) something just because I saw one positive (or negative) about it. Options should be weighed very carefully; reasons should be well-thought of before actually deciding something. We can’t really go and make choices based on shallow reasons, because in the end, we might just find ourselves in deep trouble for committing into something but we can’t sustain our allegiance to it.
The most important reason for making decisions for me, however, is that it should be done because it is according to God’s will for us. Admittedly, we can’t go and claim to know all of His plans for us. His ways are not the ways of man. Yet, He will show us where He wants us to go, and we can find that out through continual prayer, discernment, and of course, through His Word. He has promised us in Mt 7:7-8, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” He will show us the way to Him, if we ask Him. I want my whole life to be lived for His glory, according to the purpose that He has made me. What use would it be if I just assumed on His purpose as an excuse for me to live my life the way I want it? It won’t bear anything. Before I can make decisions (minor or major), before I can commit, I have to be completely sure that that’s what He wants me to do, and I’m not just assuming it because it’s what I want to see. Psalm 33:11 says, “But the plans of the Lord stands forever, wise decisions through all generations.” All throughout the Bible is the prayer, “Teach me Lord Your ways that I may walk your path.”
I guess that’s about it. I’m sorry for not being too specific on this entry. If you really are interested, send me a private message, and I’ll answer your questions for you. Come to think of it, I have no idea whether people actually read my blog or whatever, but I’ll continue writing entries anyway, for Him as well as for myself.

Harry Potter mania

I have read, swallowed, and digested J.K. Rowling's sixth installment of the lovely series, the much-awaited "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." Can't believe I will say this, but this has got to be my favorite book of the lot. Honestly. I thought "Goblet of Fire" was great, put this definitely beats it. I read the entire book in about 8 hours (haha! I'm turning into such a slow reader), partly because I want to finish it, and partly because I really needed to study for Legal Method.:p Tempted to read it again, but I have way too much school stuff to read. Anyhow, here's my ranking for all six books:
1. "HP and the Half-Blood Prince"
2. "HP and the Goblet of Fire"
3. "HP and the Chamber of Secrets"
4. "HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban"
5. "HP and the Sorcerer's Stone"
6. "HP and the Order of the Phoenix"
I don't want to say anything more about the sixth book (for fear of my life!), but, borrowing from the film Ron Weasley's expression: "Wicked!"
Can't wait for Book 7.

Bubble Girl

am sick. So sick that I am bedridden. So sick that I risked not going to school (something I haven’t done since high school, when I was confined in the hospital for a viral infection). So sick that I have to pay extra attention to what I’m typing, or else the letters of these words will become jmulbed together. The sad thing is that this is the third time in almost a couple of months that I have been seriously sick. My health has never been that great, but this is a record, even for me. I have a feeling that by the time I graduate from law school (if and when I graduate), I would have collected a variety of diseases that would make me the eighth wonder of the world. The only way I probably could escape from all of these sicknesses is to go and create for myself my own personal uncontaminated space, be a bubble girl, and stay there for the rest of my life – something that I would never do even if you paid me a million bucks. You see, we all need to be exposed to bacteria, viruses, and countless of these other tiny microorganisms so as to strengthen our immune system. Aren’t these what vaccines contain anyway: weaker strains of microbes that are injected in our system to expose our antibodies to them so that they will be able to create some sort of defense for these, and eventually for the actual disease itself? No, this entry is not devoted to the wonders of white blood cells and the study of anatomy. Being sick (again) got me into thinking for even a few seconds what it would be like to be a bubble girl and going into an imposed self-exile for self-preservation, so I won’t get sick anymore. This brought to mind one of the many things that I’ve learned in Bible study when I was still in college: the difference between isolation and insulation. The former refers to a spiritual bubble kid. A person, in his/her zeal to be pure, chooses to isolate himself/herself in his/her own world, not associating with anyone for fear that he/she would become impure because of the contact. Because of this fear, he/she would fold upon himself/herself, and go to a literal or figurative desert or mountaintop and stay there apart from everyone else. In other words, that person would become the quintessential hermit. To go away to meditate and spend time alone with God is not bad. In fact, Jesus Himself occasionally went away to pray (Mt 13:53, 16:4, 19:15, to name a few). However, He did not stay there all throughout His life, because if He did, that would be defeating the purpose that God the Father has given Him, and which He later on gave to us as well. This is said in Jn 17:18: “As You sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world,” or, more directly in Lk 19:10, “Seek and save the lost.” How can we minister to other people if we separate ourselves from them? Not only does that imply selfishness and self-righteousness, it also means we are not living what He has called us to do. 1 Jn 4:7 tells us that we should love each other, for love is of God. How can we love others if we actually have no idea who these “others” are? Sure, we can go and love them as a collective, but that would mean that we know of them only as concepts, and not as actual tangible individuals. Wanting oneself to be holy and pure doesn’t mean isolation. Who did Jesus associate with? Not with the so-called “goody-two-shoes” type of people, but the sinners, the ones who needed Him. The same way that He ministered to them, so should we do it, and that is where insulation comes in. Insulation is vastly different from isolation in that it lets us live God’s Will. To define it more clearly, a good illustration would be that of a polar bear. Instead of just hiding in their caves because of the intense cold, their bodies have adapted to the arctic weather by developing layers of fat for protection (aren’t I scientific today?) We should be like the polar bear, not in the sense that we should go and eat tons of food to have tons of fat, but instead be spiritually insulated. By This is not to say that to share the Gospel to others, we have to adopt to the culture that the world teaches. Au contraire. What I am saying is by reading God’s Word, we become prepared to face the world. Just because we are from it does not necessarily mean that we are of it. There’s a world of difference. As Jn 15:19, says, “If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you.” Jesus has taken us already from it, but we are here because we are called to serve Him, and to serve other people by ministering to them and sharing God’s love. One of the reasons why I love the Jesuits is because of the training they give to their acolytes. No, I wasn’t actually one (perish the thought!), but I have had four Jesuits as professors before, as well as teachers whose have members of that religious order as close friends, and they would tell stories of the education the “trainees” have received. Part of their “syllabus” includes reading on philosophers like Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Camus, Samuel Beckett, Jean Paul Sartre and others whose main propositions are that of absurdity, atheism, and agnosticism. It is not so they would be discouraged to join the order, but to expose them to literature such as these to prepare them for what waits outside. Sure, there’s little or no chance that they would actually encounter situations such as that seen in Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” or Sartre’s “No Exit,” but sometimes, the sad thing is that what happens in the real world is harsher than what fiction portrays. That, however, is not sufficient a reason to go and hide from the rest of humanity for fear of one’s soul. That would be way too much like M. Night Shyamalan’s film “The Village,” where they created their own private world because they are scared of feeling pain. It’s relativistic: you only care about your own perspective and no one else’s. Basically, it just means that you are too self-centered that you want to protect only yourself. Never mind that you don’t get to share God’s love to those who especially need it. Yes, the world contains a lot of evil and sin. Ephesians 2:1-3 says, “You were dead in your transgressions and sins in which you once lived following the age of this world, following the ruler of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the disobedient. All of us once lived among them in the desires of our flesh and the impulses, and we were by nature children of wrath like the rest.” Instead of following God, we become vessels of darkness by Satan, and the sad thing is that a lot of times, it is by our very own choice that led us there. We might think that we are spiritually equipped to go and fight our personal war against evil, but it is when we have these thoughts that we actually fail, because we rely on our strength. The result? Our pride will be our undoing, because the harsh truth is that we cannot do it alone. If we try and conquer sin by our strength, we’ll always fail. The good news is that we are not alone. Ph 4:13 says, “I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me.” He is on our side, and He will be the One to help us fight our battle. He is the One who provides for our strength. We might be afraid that we might be influenced by the world if we go out into it, but God will be the One who will provide the strength and the words we will need to minister. All we have to do is to open ourselves to serve Him. Personal bubbles are well and good, but that is not really fulfilling His call for us.

Of Gifts and Self-Pity

It’s funny how God can use moments when you’re down to instill a new teaching in your life. During my self-pitying period at the start of the semester, I did nothing except to grumble and wallow in my self-induced despair, acting and feeling as though I bore the problems of the whole world on my numb shoulders (from lugging all those huge, hard-bound books to school). What added to my frustration was that I can’t seem to give an excellent recitation because I tend to freeze whenever a professor calls my name. Honestly, I now know the feeling of cats that are about to be turned into roadkill: instead of running away when they see a car approaching, what they do is that they freeze and see their entire feline lives flash before their lives a split second before they become completely squished (a friend said that he goes through the tunnel syndrome of those who are about to have a fainting session, wherein your vision fades until only a pinprick of light remains, only to eventually disappear – but that story is for him to tell). What I felt made the situation worse for me was that some of my blockmates seem to be performing exceptionally well compared to my horrible performances in class. I remember thinking whether I’m just someone wearing the façade of a law student, when in truth, I’m just some loser kid who has not reached that degree of maturity yet that is needed for the profession.
Thank God I’ve finally gotten rid of that loser outlook and for changing my perspective of looking at things (for explanation, see past blog). I met up with my discipler a few days ago, and behold – her topic was about developing a winning (not whining) attitude. When she discussed the traits of a whiner, I couldn’t help but be convicted, because I fall under at least one of the categories that complainers love to rant against:
Family relationships
Self-Image
Significance
Talents/Abilities
Romantic Relationships
Of all these, the ones that I’ve recently fallen victim of would be (3) and (4). As I’ve mentioned earlier, I had a case of severe insecurity from some of my blockmates who could recite as if they chewed, swallowed, and digested all the materials that we’ve read. I think this problem of insecurity, almost always along with (2) mentioned above, is felt by most of the young people today. What with the media and other people telling us how we should act, think, feel, and even just BE, we tend to feel like we’re always lacking something, and that who we are will always not be enough. In our minds, we have to reach a certain standard of someone else; otherwise, our lives are useless.
That is a very destructive mindset that the world is telling us. Not only does it mean that we will never be enough for something or the other, but it also implies that God is unfair, in that He only chooses to bless certain people and allows others to become complete losers, without even having a single gift to use. That is just not true. The God of Psalm 139 (which I highly encourage you to read) is not that of a stingy or unjust God – He is the One who has formed us from our mother’s womb (v. 13), and has made us wonderful creations (v.14). He has made us in His image (Gen 1:27), and He knows just how many hairs are on our heads (Mt 10:31).
It’s true that He has made each one of us different from each other, but this has purpose. Romans 12:6-8 says,
“Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us exercise them. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.”
When we go up a few verses, we find in Rm 12:4-5,
“For as in one body we have many parts, and all the parts do not have the same function, so we, through many, are one body in Christ and individually parts of one another.”
What do all of these mean? I believe it means that all people are given different gifts so as to be able to minister to other people, to bring other people to God. It’s not simply a collective of various assortments of pieces. We are many parts but compose one body: taking each section alone, we’ll be completely useless, as a bolt would be when it’s by itself, but if put together, we’ll form a working system, a structure living for Him. If we were created as exactly similar to each other and “perfect” by ourselves, wouldn’t it be going against God’s Will for us? It would mean that either of these two situations can happen: one, we won’t need Him, because we will be able to sufficiently provide for ourselves, or we become brainless robots following rules and whatever else (which is against God’s love and His gift of freedom to choose for us). This involves prayer and personal discernment. He gave is the freedom to choose, and that includes using the gifts that He has blessed us with. It’s there, but if we don’t use it, it will remain latent until we die. No one else can make that choice for us whether to use that gift or not, and also for what purpose. We might spend the rest of our lives trying to develop a talent that we’re not really blessed with, and if we’re lucky, we get to have a modicum of skill in it, but chances are, we’ll probably stink at it, all the while having an ability we do not use and will end up decaying just because other persons dictate us to do something else. 1,500,000 people can go and ram down our throats that we should be like this or like that, but the decision will always lie with us whether to accept and conform to what they are saying. We end up not really serving Him because our gifts are stifled just because we allowed others to make our decisions for us. Maybe what they’re saying is good for us, but then again, maybe not. God gave all of us brains for us to discern what’s going on, and we should also use that. We can choose to just blindly follow them, or we can think and see for ourselves whether we’re going on the right track. We make all these choices, for or against God.
The fact is, He has blessed us, possibly more than we could ever know. We’re different precisely because we’re meant to be different, and we could use our differences to bless others and to glorify Him. Comparing ourselves to other people will not bear fruition, aside from making us feel more horrible about ourselves. Instead of doing that, we should develop the gifts given to us and using it for His glory. In closing, here is 1 Pt 4:10
“As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God’s varied grace.”