The Year That Was

The Year That Was

Since the year is about to end, I want to come up with a short summary of sorts of what happened the past 12 months, particularly since this has got to be one of, if not the most eventful period in my life (sounds pretty dramatic, doesn’t it?:p).

Shallow thing first: I am officially an adult in legal terms. Fer sure, I’m barely legal, but legal nonetheless.:D Haha! What great changes have happened with the transition? I’m still not paying taxes, I’m still living in my parents’ house, I’m still not working, I’m still studying, I still don’t drink, I still love cartoons, I still have a sweet tooth, so… The effect of the transition of being a child to an adult (legally speaking, anyway) is… nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I’m happy to have it kept that way.:p

If those have not changed, there are a lot of things that more than made up for that, as this is definitely a transitory year for me. A lot of changes definitely have happened – probably the year that most brought a lot of shifts in my life as compared to the previous ones. What is also significant about these events is that these have a very real possibility of changing the direction of where I’m heading. Graduating from college, for starters, is definitely a huge occasion for me, especially the circumstances that went along with it: deciding whether to go into law school, graduate school, or back to college for another degree, or join the labor force. After a lot of prayers, I saw that studying law was the field opened for me, but I also had to make a decision when brought to that spot: which law school to study in. Both options were good, and I eventually chose one over the other due to a variety of reasons, which I think I have already mentioned in a previous entry. Experiencing the effects of that decision is another story, but as long as I’m here, I intend to make the best of it. There are definitely a lot of changes and a lot of adjustments I had to make and accept, most of which aren’t the easiest things to do, but I’m praying for the grace to continue on.

Law school might just change my career path, but another decision I made this year is in my spiritual walk. After a lot of time discerning and praying, I finally committed myself to a Christian community later this year. In all honesty, it wasn’t the easiest decision I have made, due to a lot of factors (none of which I’m willing to divulge as of this moment), but like going into law school, I know that it’s His will for me to be where I am right now. One of the realizations I have had this year is that it’s always about Him, and not so much about me, or even what other people would say or think or believe. Like the other aspects of my life, this is where He wants me to be in, so this is where I will be. I remember the time when I finally decided to take the plunge, in a manner of speaking. Those past few days, even weeks, I’ve been praying about whether to really make that commitment or not, because for me, it’s a really huge decision to make, given all the circumstances (and no, I still won’t spill it). The choice was finally taken out of my hands when, at 3:00 a.m., He finally overrode all of my uncertainties and what-have-yous, and told me to go. And that was that.

Saying all these things make it seem like everything’s been easy and perfect. It’s really not, and it’s probably especially evident for those who really know me. These decisions that I had to make, as well as those outside of these, weren’t just badabing-badaboom easily made. But then, nothing’s really simple and perfect and happy-happy joy-joy, right? Definitely, this year is not the happiest. I can say that with all certainty. This year has brought a lot of pain for me, I won’t deny that. I could appear to be as jolly and spry as the most hyper puppy, but it won’t change the fact that a lot of times, I’m hurting inside. I can also say with complete certainty that I have grown a lot spiritually this year, but there are still a lot of things about me that I know I should change, and things I should let go. For example, my temper hasn’t really improved by time. In truth, I think it actually worsened – a side effect of studying in law school (this is a fact: people who are in law school become crankier). There are things that I thought I’ve already accepted or beyond me, only to realize that I’m still as easily affected by these as before. There are still a lot of huge struggles that I still haven’t surrendered to Him, because of my own bullheadedness and whatever. It’s things like these that continually remind me of these verses from dc Talk’s “In the Light”: “What’s going on inside of me?/I despise my own behavior/This only serves to confirm my suspicion/That I’m still… in need of a Savior.”

This year also saw me as a very emotional person, quite a departure from my logic-always philosophy. Heck, my psychological test took me to be an ESTJ [Extroverted (although borderline introvert), Sensing, Thinking, Judging] --> three out of the four characteristics telling me that I almost never follow my instincts and almost always only relies upon the cold, brutal facts, and then suddenly, I find myself straying from being left-brained. I don’t mean to say that I suddenly burst into mushy love songs or whatever (perish the thought), or start seeing the world with rose-tinted glasses. Hardly that – or maybe I do the former sometimes just for kicks. What I’m saying is that for some reason, I became less reliant on logic, and from time to time actually listen to what my instincts or my feelings are saying. I became less dependent on what is tangible and what can be proven, and instead allowed myself to see what is beyond what is palpable. Imagine that. I guess it’s kind of explainable, given the nature of my old problems and the new ones that surfaced, but it’s still quite a change for me. It’s funny, because before, I could equate myself to a glacier – cold and unmoving, but now, the glacier has discovered that it is not as solid as it believed it was. And here I am using metaphors again and making the situation less understandable than it is.

So there you have it. I really don't want to make a list of my New Year's Resolutions, because I know there's always a very real possibility of me breaking these promises. All I want to do is to lift it up to Him - a new slate for a new year. I just want to be the person that I'm supposed to be, and that is to be a child of God.