Pain Revisited

It's so easy to tell other people to let go, but when it happens to you, it seems that nothing could be harder. I'm not talking about a romantic relationship or whatever. It's just that having my cousins visit us just recently brought to my mind again that their brother only recently passed away.
It's so easy to go and pretend that everything's alright. I even admit that I haven't thought about him as much as I did a few months ago, but at the back of my mind, there's always the niggling thought of him, and I guess it came back in full force when his siblings and his mom visited us. Everytime one of them enters the door, I'd half-expect Ondong to follow after his brother or sister, carrying his Gameboy and grinning widely. It really doesn't seem right that not all of them came back here, when they promised only a little over a year ago that they'd come back. Heck, Ondong promised that he'll be back with tons of money to go shopping, because he didn't bring enough cash that time since he couldn't work yet. That promise, as well as others made, didn't come into fruition. He didn't come back, and it hurts knowing that I will not see his grin again, or at least, not in this lifetime.
Their visit last April was bittersweet. I was happy because I saw him again, but I was also terrified that that might be the last time that it would happen, and sadly, it did come true. I was with him almost the entire time when we were in the Visayas (one of his last requests was to visit our moms' province), and it hurt so much to see him in pain, especially because I couldn't do anything about it. It hurts also to his mom and his brother hurting, and way much more than what I was feeling. I thought before that cancer would be a disease solely on the inside, and there would be no external manifestation of it - in effect, I believed that a person with cancer would look perfectly fine outside. I was wrong big time. It hurt to see someone who was perfectly fine (or seemed to be) become almost completely bedridden, to see someone who was into track suddenly find walking completely excruciating.
It's a full three months today since his passing. The pain is still fresh for me, and I'm guessing the same would hold for the other family members, to a greater or lesser degree. Honestly, I'm a bit grateful for the feeling, not because I'm masochistic, but I don't want to put his passing away aside and just plain forget about it. Yes, some people might argue that that's not a good way of dealing with grief, but then again, I'm never one to delve in normalcy.
Ondong (Raymund Abelon Jr. to other people outside the family) will always be someone I will love, and his presence will always be missed.

You'll Be Safe Here
Rivermaya (Words and Music by Rico Blanco)
Nobody knows just why we're here
Could it be fate or random circumstance
At the right place, at the right time
Two roads intertwine
And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us fuel and fire
Then know where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
'Cause when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed until we cried
At the most stupid things like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong and though the world would never understand
This unlikely union and why it still stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's
unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here
When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe,You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

Raymund Abelon Jr. (13 July 1988 - 07 May 2005)