Blessed Week

This has been a week of knowledge, discovery, and growth for me. There were just so many things that have happened, and I’d like to go and talk about the main things that really struck me. A word of warning though: this entry is quite long (divided into subsections even). If you want to read all of it, do so. If not, fine. I’m not going to perish if you don’t anyway.:p

The Best Things in Life are Free
It’s amazing how we take simple things for granted, and only realize their value once these are taken away from us. For starters, I’ve only recently appreciated the beauty of sleep (read: beauty of sleep. Just so we can get that clear). I was one of those kids who would only pretend to sleep during siesta time, and then run out of the room and watch TV when the parents leave. Looking back, I wish I slept as much as I can when I was younger, not only because it raises the interesting possibility of actually growing a few inches taller, but also because at least I could say there was a time when I had as much sleep as much as I wanted to – something that I could definitely not say now, given my consistent sleep-deprived condition. Whereas before that I would practically run away at the possibility of sleeping, now, I would give just about anything for an opportunity to sleep. Naptime for me now is one of the most brilliant ideas humankind has ever formulated.

Another thing that I have taken for granted and only recently came to appreciate is the value of family. It’s not that I don’t love them or anything. It’s just that I don’t really spend a lot of time with them. I keep to myself in the house, always staying in my room and only occasionally going down to chat with the people. If someone looked for me, it would be really easy to find me when I’m at home because I can almost always be found in my room, studying, reading, or just messing with my computer (as I’m doing now). I didn’t know just how much I’ve taken their presence for granted until last week, when almost all of them, including the extended family (my uncles, aunt, and cousins), left last week to go on vacation in the Visayas. That was actually the first time that I was left alone (well, not completely, but those who were left weren’t related to me!) for a long period of time, and I can honestly say that I totally did not like the feeling. It was really depressing not to have someone with you that my schoolwork also went down, with the result that I had one of the most horrible weeks in my life. When they came back on Monday, it was all that I could do to throw a party. Honestly.

Both experiences made me think of the greatest freebie we received that we have always taken for granted, and that is Jesus’ sacrifice that brought us our salvation. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life.” Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from you; it is a gift of God.” God gave us freedom from sin on His own accord. We didn’t work for it, and we certainly don’t deserve it. Yet He still gave it to us. We can never pay Him back for His sacrifice, not even in a million years, no matter how much good works we do. And you know what? He’s not looking for sacrifices, for us to pay Him back for His sacrifice. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be grace, would it? What He is calling us, however, is to love Him. We do good not because it is a duty, but because we love Him. “God-fearing” doesn’t mean that we are constantly petrified of being smitten by lightning for the wrong deeds we have done. It means that we love Him so much that we would not do anything to hurt Him. It’s Otto’s mysterium tremendum fascinosum. Think about it for a minute: would you deliberately go out of your way to hurt your best friend or parent? Didn’t think so. It’s not so much as paying it back, but paying it forward.

See-Saw of Emotions
To elaborate the story I told earlier, last week was a complete disaster for me, especially in terms of academics. Just when I thought I couldn’t be lower because I was practically all alone, I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of reproaches from my professors, among other fiascos. I’d really rather not go into details, but suffice to say that by Friday, I was thisclose to quitting. I had half a mind not to go back to school the following week (although I eventually did anyway). God was so good, because this week has been good. I was again called for recitation, but this time for a different class from those I’ve fouled up in. Praise God my recitation wasn’t horrible – it was actually pretty ok. I am now forever grateful to one of my blockmates for giving me medicine to calm my nerves (yes, the medicine is legit, not one of those illegal ones). One of the reasons why I have horrible recitation experiences is because my nerves are always high-strung. I study the materials and everything, but when I get called to explain these, all thought suddenly flies out the window. As I’ve mentioned in a previous entry, I liken my recitation experience as that of a cat about to be turned into roadkill by an incoming car – instead of running away at the sight of headlights, it instead freezes on its spot until it gets squished. Anyway, back to the point. This week made me so happy that I’m willing again to continue again – or at least, to see the whole semester through, and then decide whether to proceed or not after that period. In effect, my professional future is dependent on my feelings. If I feel like continuing, fine. If not, au revoir law school, bonjour graduate school!

This way of thinking made me have another realization: just how much of my life is dependent on emotions, including, sadly, my faith. There came a point in my life (I think this was a year or two ago) when I’d go, “I really don’t feel like praying. I’ll do it tomorrow. God will still be there anyway. He’ll understand.” The following day, I’d do the same thing. This kept on continuing for three months, I think. I’d still go and say breath prayers throughout the day, but I didn’t take the time to read my Bible and to have an actual prayer time with Him. I didn’t even go and just tell Him how life is going, thank Him for His blessings, and everything else. By the end of it, I felt like I didn’t know God anymore, because I didn’t maintain my relationship with Him. What used to be a very close relationship turned into a mere façade of it. I would go and mouth “I love God,” but deep inside, I felt condemned because I stopped listening to Him. All of these happened because of what? Because I didn’t feel like it. I was the one who said that, but even for me, that was just the lamest excuse I have ever heard, along with “my dog ate my homework.” I wonder what would happen when, as Jesus was being arrested by the soldiers, He suddenly thought, “Hmmm… I don’t feel like saving their souls right now. They hate Me and My Father anyway, so why do it all? Maybe next time,” and then He suddenly vanishes, and never comes back again. What happens to us then? We’ll end up being in hell, “the lake that burns fire and sulfur” (Rev 21:8).
I’m not saying emotions are bad. Far from it. What I am saying, however, is that we shouldn’t rely solely on our emotions to base our decisions on, because these aren’t all that reliable to begin with. Our feelings change daily, if not hourly, and we would choose based on that? I hope not, especially when it comes to our relationship with God. For those who studied in the same university as I did to get a degree, you guys know that by the time we reach third year in college, we’d know that love is not a feeling but a decision. The same is true for faith. We actively choose to follow God, regardless of our emotions. We may come to a point when we’re “spiritually dry,” but instead of allowing ourselves to go and distance ourselves from Him at this time, it is in this circumstance that we need to trust Him more, because these situations might lead us to fall into temptation.

Another point about emotions I would like to make is something I learned in Bible study this week, a lesson on how to survive heartbreaks. Now, when that situation usually comes in, people would automatically assume that it’s about romantic relationships. Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s not what I’m going to talk about, because I honestly could say that I’ve never had to go through that. Going back to the point (I am so full of digressions today), romantic relationships aren’t the only source of heartbreak, and some of those other things, I’ve gone through, and these are definitely situations that I don’t relish being in. Yet the Lord assures us that He is with us in these difficult times. Psalm 34:18b promises, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” Another verse in Psalms says, “Why are you downcast, my soul? Hope in the Lord Your God.” He has promised us comfort when we are downtrodden, He has promised us compassion when we feel alone. Hence, even when we feel alone, burned-out, or just plain depressed, we can always be assured that He is with us and will comfort us when we turn to Him, a promise echoed in James 4:8a, “Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

Anyhow, this is where I’ll end. This has been such a blessed week, and I thank God for it.