National Concerns

The country is going through so much turmoil right now. Sure, crime, corruption, poverty, and other concerns have been ongoing since forever in the Philippines, but the situation has been exacerbated by the jueteng and the Gloriagate scandals. (By the way, whatever possessed them to call it "Gloriagate"? Just because some USA controversies in the USA have "-gate" attached to their names? It might be a part of our fascination with America, so much so that we imitate even the negative things, but then again, that's just my opinion.) I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that I'm really in love with the country, because I'm not. I don't consider myself to be a nationalist, but what's going on in the country probably has stirred the patriotic blood of the most jaded Filipino, or propel Juan de la Cruz to another country, like Canada.
I was thinking how the Philippines could have had such an unlucky past, present and possibly future, because throughout history, we've been feeling misery and suffering of some kind. Yeah, we could probably go and blame it on the fact that we're a third-world country (which is a better term to be used than "developing country" in this instance). Sure, we could go and say that it's because practically all of the people in the government are corrupt. The truth of the matter is that we're the ones who brought ourselves in the mess that we're in now. I'm not saying that we're responsible for everything that went wrong in our history. I mean, the Filipinos didn't go and wave a red flag or whatever when they sighted the Spanish galleons bearing Magellan and his crew so as to go and land in Cebu, right? (At least, I don't think they did) We blame the politicians, but who put them in their position of power except us? The President's authority is debatable right now given all that has happened (and I'm not stating that as an opinion but as fact), but what about everyone else? My brother says that one cultural problem of Filipinos is that we love to go blame everyone else but ourselves, and it's true. In Church, there's this prayer being said that Filipinos are wounded by political turmoil, conflict, and other issues, but there wasn't any mention about our own sins. I'm not trying to go against the Church or anything. Far from it. They probably did not deliberately gloss over the fact that we're all accountable for the events in the country, but the fact of the matter is, we can't continue blaming everyone else. All of us can go and do our part to improve the status of the Philippines. The main concept of the film "Pay It Forward" is that one person goes and does a good deed for another person, and tells the latter to pass the good deed on to another. Why can't we do that? The problem is that we're so apathetic that we'd go and think that it's not worth doing good because everyone else is acting horribly, so that no good thing ever happens. This is totally cliche, but we can, in our own small way, make our world a better place to live in. Who knows? Maybe one good deed can propel everyone else to do the same thing to the point that the good deed reaches the people in power and they do something good for the country and not only for themselves.
We were taught before an ideal structure for prayers. First, we pray for our country. Second, we pray for our family. Third, we pray for our Church/community. Fourth, we pray for our friends. Fifth, we pray for ourselves. Yes, that is in order. We're not supposed to put ourselves first above everything else, but the sad thing is that we're so incredibly selfish that we always act for our own good without caring about what our actions' possible consequences might be. We might not do it consciously and deliberately, but the thing is that our nature is always towards self-preservation, as according to Thomas Hobbes. The challenge is that we go against our nature and reach out to other people. Praying for our country might seem like a miniscule thing as compared to the millions of money being hoarded by corrupt politicians yearly, but trust me: it's a lot, because God is greater than those graft dudes. When I first tried praying in that structure a couple or so years ago, I initially thought that I wouldn't be able to say anything regarding the Philippines, but when i started, everything just spilled out. There are just so many things that we could pray for, and our own concerns would seem completely miniscule compared to what the country as a whole is going through. We criticize and complain and rant and rave about how horrible the Philippines is as a place to live in. The question is, are we going to do anything about it?

Horrors of Law School

By next week, I have been a law school student for a month. How time flies, especially if one is doing so many things. I know law school is tough, but I really didn't expect it to be THAT tough. Honestly. First week in, I almost immediately became sick. Not just common-cold sick, tonsilitis-with-a-39-degree-fever-coupled-with-an-asthma attack sick. Yep. That was the first week. As time went by, my health became a bit better, but I can't say the same thing about my studies. For example, next Monday, I have more than a ream thick of readings, and it's for only one subject, and for only one day. How fun. I wanted to quit so badly my first day in, because of the ton of stuff we have to read, understand, explain, comprehend, regurgitate, what have you.
Anyhow, there was this one night when I was feeling completely sorry for myself because I made the sado-masochistic decision of entering law school. I was praying, asking God whether I really was following His Will when I pushed through with my plans. After all, these were my plans since I was small(er). Maybe I just went with my own thing and just assumed that God wanted me there when in fact, it was only me, and that's the reason why I'm floundering so badly now. Then I realized that I wouldn't have been there if I hadn't prayed for it, and that God has a reason for bringing me there. I might go and doubt just about anything, but the one thing that I can be sure of is that He has a purpose for everything. We might not be able to explain it, we might not be able to see it, but we should always know it. Right now, I might feel like I'm not going anywhere save for the path of burnout, but that's not really true. There's a purpose for this, there's a reason why I'm here in law school. The reason why I'm starting to lose hope is because I've been trusting my own strength again, like what I've done countless times in the past. God is good, and He has kept on reminding me that I don't have to stand alone. Philippians 4:13 says, "I have faith in Christ who strengthens me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 goes, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." God promises in Matthew 11:28-30 (which eventually was turned into a song), "Come to me all who labor and are burdened , and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you... and you will find rest for yourselves, for My yoke is easy and My burden light." Countless other verses go and proclaim that same thing: that His Grace and strength is sufficient for us, and that we don't have to fight alone, because we're with Him. I became really convicted with that, because the past weeks, I've been trying to do everything alone, and I realize that I can't. Turning to Him will change all that. Even with such a heavy load, I still consider myself really blessed this semester. He has given me a very good schedule so that I can attend meetings that bring me closer to Him. In connection to that, there are just so many doors opening right now, leading me to Christian organizations. My apologies to the UP people, but before, I really thought that I won't be able to go and be closer to God in that school, and I have to rely solely on a youth group that I joi, which is outside of the university. God's good. Not only is there a Christian organization in the law school, He also made a way for me to meet up with my old discipler, and He's also given me opportunities to continue to have fellowship with most of the people in our D group. I met up with my discipler this afternoon, and she said something that really affected me. The answer to my question about why I go through all of these (and this is also for other people) can be found in Colossians 3:23-24, "Whatever you do, do from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others, knowing that you will receive from the Lord the due payment of the inheritance; be slaves for the Lord always." That's an amazing thought that we should always have. When we do things, we shouldn't think about performing it for ourselves or for other people, but instead for Him. As He has blessed us, even to the point of giving His only Son out of His love for us, so should we also bless Him, by doing everything for His greater Glory.
Thank You Lord, for everything. May Your Will be done.

Blessed

Tomorrow would mark the beginning of a new path for me. No, I'm not getting married.:p June 07, 2005 is our first day of classes in UP College of Law, where I'll be (or am already) a freshman. Thinking about it made me realize just how blessed I am by God, particularly in this aspect of my life. He's been giving me a lot of windows of opportunity in terms of my career. Job offers came before I even graduated, and I got accepted in the law schools that I applied to. The latter is actually the biggest surprise for me because I didn't expect that I'd pass the exams. The UP LAE, particularly, was probably one of the hardest exams I've ever taken in my life, and between you and me, that's saying a lot.:p I was praying almost all throughout the exam, but then I thought that whatever might happen would be ok, as long as it's according to God's Will. If I don't pass the exam, I took the entrance exam of another law school too. If that doesn't work, I can always study for a Master's Degree. If I can't do that, maybe I can find a way to squeak through the clause in the labor code of the Philippines.:p Anything, as long as it's God's Will, and that's what I prayed for. By God's Grace, I became qualified for the interview phase for UP. I thought, "One hurdle over!" Anyhow, it also gave me an opportunity to trust God more. What happened after that was just two degrees short of disastrous. If I thought the written exam was hard, the interview was horrible! I got picked on, and the panel went on to say that I was too young for law school. After that, I just let go of the idea of studying in UP Law and instead studying in Rockwell. [Short digression: I really wanted to go to UP not only because of its reputation, but also because it's closer to our house, and I could still continue joining this youth group.] Miraculously, I passed UP, and as I said earlier, we're going to be starting tomorrow. That experience just taught me God's grace. It wasn't me who passed those hurdles - it was God's work. If it were me, I wouldn't be where I am now. People say that I'm lucky that I passed both, or that I'm brilliant. Whatever. I don't believe in that. I believe the word that they're looking for is blessed.:) I just pray that I might always follow His Will for me, and to "fulfill" [for lack of a better term] the reason why He brought me in that school.

Hurting So Badly

This would be my first blog entry, and I can't believe that it's this heavy.
My cousin Ondong [Raymund Abelon Jr.] passed away yesterday. Up to now, I still am in shock. Who would've expected a sixteen-year old boy to suddenly have his life snuffed? I can't even say the "D" word yet, because that would make everything so final, and I can't accept that. Not yet. I know in my mind that he's happier now, because he's not feeling pain anymore, and because he's with our Lord. My emotions are a different matter. Much as I'd like to, I can't.
What really makes the situation stink is that less than a couple of years ago, he appeared to be okay. His family is based in San Diego, and we rarely get to see them. Almost all of them [save for Aiza, the oldest among the siblings] went to the Philippines to spend Christmas [2003] and New Year [2004] with us, and everything seemed alright then. Granted, Ondong was less hyper than he was before, but we thought it was just because he was becoming mature. Still, that didn't keep him from wrestling with us, or cheating at cards.:p We didn't know that even then, he was already sick.
My aunt finally discovered that he wasn't as healthy as he was acting a few months after he went back to the States. Around August, he was diagnosed of cancer, and already on Stage 4, the last phase of the disease. By then, it had affected a lot of his organs. I think it started with the colon, and then it spread to the bone marrow and the brain. I'm not really sure if it affected other organs as well. Here in the Philippines, we knew it was bad, but we didn't know how horrible it was. We only realized the extent of the disease when he, his mom, and his younger brother went here in the country courtesy of the Make A Wish Foundation. He wanted to celebrate his birthday [which is in July] here, with his other relatives. The fact that the foundation stepped in to fulfill his wish made us see the extent of the damage. He could have wished to receive material things or go to places he has never gone before, as what the other children have asked for, but he didn't. Later, we will find out that he didn't do it solely for his sake, but because he wanted it to be his gift for his mom.
When they arrived here, I couldn't believe what happened to him. From a tall, hyper guy, he became someone so weak he couldn't get out of the car without assistance. It was really hard putting on a happy face in front of him when all we wanted to was to cry upon seeing him. I wasn't able to join them as they brought him to places because I had a summer class [which I really wanted and should have dropped], but I was determined to go with them to our moms' province in Samar. I cut my class, since our flight was scheduled on a Friday [19 April]. The flight from NAIA Domestic Airport to Tacloban was around 45 minutes, and the car trip to the province, which should have been around 6 hours, was extended by a few more hours because we had to go and visit the cemeteries before going straight home. Up to now, I still don't know if it's the exhausting journey, but by the time we arrived home, Ondong could barely walk to enter the house. We watched over him the three days we were there. he couldn't really get out of the bed anymore, and it was obvious that he really was sick. He had a seizure on Sunday which made my aunt [his mom], my uncle, and his brother bring him to the hospital in Tacloban, and they weren't able to be released from it until Tuesday, their scheduled flight back to L.A. When we said goodbye to them in the States, I was scared that that would be the last time I would see him, and it turns out to be true.
When they arrived in the States, he was immediately brought to the hospital, where he was operated on for hydrocephalus. He was fighting every step of the way, but yesterday, he finally let go. In less than a year, he transformed from a very lively guy to...
Absurdly, I felt resentful when they talk about him and how his bright future [he had straight As] was thrown out the window just like that. I want to go and tell them that they shouldn't go and think about the future, when they should think about he is [I can't talk to him in the past tense yet] as a person, because they're missing that. In my mind, he still is the same hyper guy before he fell ill.
Right now, I'm scared about a lot of things related to this. I remember all the times that we spent together. This last trip, he kept hugging my arm [he was almost always in his wheelchair by then] or putting his head on my shoulder, and he wasn't the physical one in their family. It's like he was spending as much time and attention to us as much as he can, absorbing everything that he could.
It's horrible to have seen him obviously suffering. The one thing that I am relieved at is that he doesn't feel pain anymore. When we received the call that he finally left us, it's as if a part of me died with him.
I'm not going to say goodbye to him. I won't. I'll see him again in heaven, and until then, I'll still love him.