Popping My Balloons

For those who already know me, you are probably aware of my compulsiveness regarding plans. I would not commit myself to anything that does not have a definite structure. I would prefer not to step out of the house if there is still no substantial idea on what actually is entailed in what I am supposed to do. I try to make contingency plans in case the original one explodes in my face in the middle of the execution of it. I’m pretty much a systematic person, in that I tend to think more of in bullet points rather than in something more hodge-podge.

That’s who I am. That’s what I’ve been used to for almost all my life. Before I even reached the latter half of my college years, I already made plans of entering law school. If I don’t pass, then grad school. If that does not work either, then I work, and the latter also has its own options. I wanted to go and write. If that’s not the way the wind blows, then I get into advertising. If that does not work either, I go corporate. I’ve always been used to having at least a tangible idea that I can work on. If there isn’t anything existing yet, I make one up. I dislike “winging it,” because it ruins the order I’ve worked on in my head. Anal, I know. Yet for me, I believe that it’s better for a person to already have a clear-cut plan instead of being totally clueless when already there. It’s one of the aspects of my personality that I consider as a “safety net” – something that I know I can always fall back on when things are difficulty.

Yet we know that God wants us to get out of our comfort zones, and this just happens to be quite a huge one for me.

All my life, I have known, or at least have some sort of an idea where I’ll be going. I always try and come up with a plan, and I try to organize the things that I’ll be doing for the day down to the last minute. Yet now, I’m completely clueless of what my future will hold, and this is a first for me. I absolutely have no idea where I’m going to be come June, and it scares me that I can’t foresee where I will be by that time. I’m scared, because this is outside of what I thought would happen, even with the contingency plans in my head.

The thing with law school is, you really have to be 100% committed when you’re in it. A little deviation from the straight line that you’re supposed to walk on, and you’ll find yourself in such a funk that is so hard to recover from. It’s not even in the difficulty of the subjects that a person will find problematic; it’s in the interest that you have in the course, and going all the way. No matter how difficult something is, if you truly enjoy what you’re doing, it would not seem as hard. I’ll be honest: I’m not happy. I’m really, really not happy, almost from the beginning that I went to law school. I honestly don’t think that this is for me, because my way of thinking is almost completely different from the way law should be looked into. The funny thing about this is that it’s something that I’ve always wanted, but when I got it, I want out.

One thing I’ve realized about myself is that education has become a crutch for me. I’m fortunate because I already have had a full-fledged education and even continually pursuing it, as opposed to a lot of people who have no means of sending themselves or their kids to school. In connection to the first statements I have made, I almost always dwell on concepts and theories, which is one of the reasons why I love philosophy. I love to analyze situations, and then try to go and figure out how to solve it. I have a very strong tendency to dwell in mind workings and rely on these heavily. The way I saw it, education is the only true answer to problems, excepting faith. Our country can only improve if there are more educated people in it who can go and help make things better. I can only help people achieve justice and improve their lives via a degree in law. I realized only recently that while it helps, it’s not really a catch-all solve-all to the world’s problems. It is important, but there are alternatives out there that can make you achieve your purpose. It’s not taking the short cut in this instance. Rather, it’s in listening to your heart and what the Lord is trying to teach you instead of just sticking to that single plan in your head which you considered to be the only thing worth fulfilling. He says that His ways are not our ways, and that is really true. We can make all sorts of beautiful plans in our head, but if it’s contrary to what He wants for us, He will not make what we expected happen. It’s a harsh reality check, but then again, He knows what is best for us. We can’t perceive what will actually happen in the future. Only He knows what will occur, and He wants us to have what is best, and that is why He brings us to the situations that we face. Does that mean, then, that I’m not scared that I don’t know what will happen? No. I still am, particularly if you put in other factors into consideration. I’m walking into a situation virtually blind, with absolutely no idea what to expect, no idea where I’ll find myself tomorrow. Yet He gave His word that He will take care of me, and I claim that.

God popped my balloons, those I filled with helium and expected to float for days. Maybe this eagerness to get out is also a balloon He’s just waiting to deflate, I really can’t say. All I know is that all throughout the year that I spent in law school, He already stuck a pin up a lot of the ones I hold in my hand, yet He continues to replace them with new ones, even more magnificent than the ones that popped.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”