The Serious Side

Now that I've posted something light, allow me now to go into something deeper, which is what God has been teaching me these past few months.

The middle of the semester, everytime I cut my Bible, I ended up getting verses of encouragement, telling me that God is always there for me, that I should turn to Him for strength and support, and such. Yet I fall over and over again, all the while asking why God promised me something and yet did not provide for that, especially when I really needed His help the most. Looking at it now, I realized that it was just the same, stupid pride which has led me to dangerous ground a lot of times in the past that made me fall again now. I took for granted that God brought me to law school because it was His Will for me, and although it wasn't conscious, my thoughts were primarily focused on that and on myself. It's like, I'm anointed by God unlike you people, so I can do anything I want and I will still remain successful. Ok, so it wasn't as bad as that, but my thoughts were definitely going in that direction. Reflecting on His Word brought me to repentance, because He made me realize that when He was telling me that He will take care of me and will provide for my needs, it's not so much as He bowing down to what I need, but on Him giving me what I actually need. I've become so focused on myself that I forgot that the reason why He brought me there was it's because of His Will. He definitely has a reason for bringing me there, and it's not to make me gloat about just how blessed I am. His Word told me that I should turn to Him because I need Him at that time, or because He will be the Source of my strength. Yes, He is saying that, but more than that is an instruction to continue to develop my relationship with Him and not limit my interactions with Him in the time of need. It's something that I've been trying to work on with myself for quite some time now, but it's only recently that I've finally realized what it means. It's not because He wants me in my situation right now for my sake, but He brought me there for His sake, to know more about Him, to reach out to those who are hurting and in need of His love. James writes, "Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you (4:10)." How can we boast of things when all of these are not from us but from Him? I shudder to think that I was feeling all puffed up when the source of my pride is not out of my own greatness or whatever, but out of His love. I was really convicted by what He told me, because all the while, I've thought only of myself and what He could do for me, disregarding what He wants me to do, and what I could do for Him, how He could use me as an instrument to bring others closer to Him. Yet this conviction was not the sort that made me want to go and crawl under a rock and shrivel up in shame. On the contrary, His Word made me lift my head again, because I know that the reason why He's disciplining me is solely because He loves me (Hebrews 12:6). That's the love of a good father - that he wants what's best for us and that is why he doesn't always consent to our ways (especially since they are crooked) - and God is the best Father of them all.

Another thing that has been convicting me is actually also an old struggle I've been having, and that is the surrender of my life in its entirety to my Lord. Yeah sure, I say that I am a Christian, but I have to say that I haven't been glorifying Him all the time. It's like I isolate and compartmentalize myself for the different aspects of my life - not so much that I become a completely different person depending on who I am with, but that a certain part of me becomes highlighted and some parts shunted, at least temporarily. It's still me, but it's an edited version. Yes, I still try to share Jesus to the people I meet, but sometimes, because of them and/or because of me, I desist. I am so convicted with this, because I know that the sole reason why they may be saved is if they might know and accept Jesus Christ in their lives as their Lord and Savior and to live solely for God, but I find myself having difficulty telling them the Good News, as if the words get lodged in my throat and refuse to come out. I still go and tell them about Him, I share some verses for encouragement, or I say "God bless" to them, but all of that is not what God deserves, because He definitely should be given more. I mean, it's so easy to go and tell fellow believers about Him and how He's been changing our lives, but when it comes to the very people who need to hear it, those who don't know Him, it's really, really difficult for us. It's condemning, and it hurts knowing that we can't give Him our all when He definitely went all the way for us.

One thing that strikes closer to home is something that I've experienced a little less than a week ago, and I'd like to go and use a teaching I once heard in Bible study as an introduction. The teacher cites Acts 1:8, which says, "You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, throughout Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth," which he explains that in applying this to the modern-day situation, Jerusalem can be taken as our family (where we're most comfortable with), Judea as our friends (within our vicinity), and Samaria as those who are veritable strangers to us. I've told some of the people from my Judea and Samaria on who Jesus is, yet I was convicted anew when I realized that Jerusalem wasn't something that I haven't reached yet. I guess a part of it is the fact that when i tried sharing to them before, I almost always get rebuffed, partly because they didn't believe that it was me who was speaking (which I admit is partly my fault), and partly because my beliefs opposed theirs. I ended up not speaking about it again, although I made them know just who and what I believe in, but a lot of times, I get the feedback that they treated my faith as some kind of a joke, or at least some "in" thing that I just got interested on but would eventually tire of (which is weird, because my track record wasn't like that). It wasn't until recently that I realized I have made an impact, and that was when my mom shared that the Word spoke to her, and she accepted Jesus. It was all I could do to shout, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" but I did run to my room to get my Bible and share some more with her. It was such a huge blessing, and it reminded me that I should reach out not only to those outside of my realm, but also and especially those who are close to me. It doesn't mean that just because they are within the vicinity that I could take them, or the relationship for granted. It should give me all the more reason to share to them.

I guess the main thing that I've learned from all of these is total surrender. Jesus commands in Mark 12:30 is to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Taking all of these into consideration, what have we got left for ourselves? Nothing. We give everything to Him as living sacrifices. He does not only ask for our soul or our hearts. He wants us in entirety. He wants our whole beings committed to Him, that whatever we may do, we live for Him. We are Christians precisely from the word itself: of Christ. We should strive to live our lives the way He did, and that is total surrender to what the Father is telling us. Sure, it may be an option to lift only a particle of our being to Him and that's it, but do we really want to do that? Do we really want to give only a speck of ourselves to the One who gave everything? I remember the last chapter of the Gospel of John, when Jesus was asking Peter just how much he loves Him (Jn 21:15-19). When I read it initially, I didn't quite understand why Jesus had to ask Peter three times for that, but one of our disciplers explained that in its original form, which was in Greek, Jesus' question put love as agape, divine love, unconditional love. Peter replies, "Yes, Lord, I love you," but the love he used was philias, love as friends, but nothing more. Can we really only offer him philias instead of agape?